12 May, 2015

6th


A Litany for Survival:: Audre Lorde

For those of us who live at the shoreline 
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge

the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going

in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours


For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads

learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.


And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid of indigestion

when our stomachs are empty we are afraid we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish

when we are alone we are afraid love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard

nor welcomed
but when we are silent we are still afraid


So it is better to speak 
remembering
we were never meant to survive


- Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn 

13 April, 2015

5th

I started to feel really bad this weekend and I thought I was going to have a bad episode, but I'm trying to stay optimistic. I need to remember to take things one step at a time and not compare myself to others. I started off the day by going to a temazcal about an hour away from the city. I was invited by Erandi, the daughter of the señora I live with. I really really needed that. It was an emotionally intense experience. I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity to be living in Mexico, regardless of what happens after.

I'm so grateful for all the lives I get to live here. I'm so glad I am able to dance folklórico every week. I'm back on antibiotics for the third time since I got sick, but my tía changed the antibiotics after my really bad fatigue less. I'm on them right now, but I feel ok. I'm still learning who I can really count on here in Mexico everyday. I am trying to be patient with my growth. I get to live so many lives here and I am so grateful.

"I feel that it is important to honor my healing and the people who were really there for me. To do that, I needed to honor myself. I needed to honor my body as an intelligent vessel that can guide me through this life. Though I already knew about eating well and getting exercise, the task was now to do these things consistently. I also need to love, pray, serve, and dance. The need to dance and rejoice no longer feels like a hedonistic indulgence but rather a spiritual necessity. My dad once told me that when you dance, you pray twice, or double (“cuando se reza bailando, se reza lo double”). Dancing is the most sincere prayer I have."

– 
Rosa María Hernández Juárez, “Healing Introspections: Reaching Inside and Reconstructing Myself,” Fleshing the Spirit: Spirituality and Activism in Chicana, Latina, and Indigenous Women’s Lives

20 March, 2015

Rebirth

Today I picked up kathryn from the airport. I freaked out a little bit cause i couldn't find her for a good while. It's so good and strange to have part of my life from back home here with me. We went to el centro de Coyoacán for dinner where the first thing we saw was a danza group beginning ceremony. I miss danza and i was really tempted to join right then but this group was so skilled! We found tamales oaxaqueños and sat down to enjoy them with some delicious chocolate from cafe el jarocho. I'm going to be dreaming about that chocolate.

A year ago on march 19th I went to tijuana with my mom and dad where i would be diagnosed with my illness after agonizing for weeks and even months not knowing why i was so sick. I feel so good being here. I feel so different from when i was at ucla. When i was still there i constantly felt like the world was crashing down on me. I couldn't keep my head up para nada. I have made it so far since my recovery and the end of my abusive relationship. I am surviving and growing.

10 March, 2015

Día de la Mujer en Xochimilco

Museo Dolores Olmedo


Quiero un Xolo!!


"¡Es Jenni Rivera!"









Nuestra trajinera :)

07 March, 2015

1st

My friend Camila encouraged me to create a blog before I came to México to document my experiences here. I never got around to it because I honestly thought I was going to go back to the US. My first few weeks here were rough. I can finally say that I'm in a good place. I love it here. I can't believe I'm only here until June. It feels like a good time to start sharing my life with my friends.

I love this city more and more each day. After some trouble with my living situation at first, I feel more settled now. I'm staying with a family very close to UNAM. They're very nice. La mamá y la hija both had gender studies focus in their university studies. Yesterday I learned that the hija wrote her master's thesis on the temezcal when she invited me to join her for one. I hope I get to go eventually since I can't go this week.

Honestly, studying abroad while depressed has been very challenging, but these days I feel the best I have felt in a long time. I feel free in a lot of ways, whereas I felt so constricted and scared at UCLA. I'm exploring new aspects of myself and surprising myself each day. I still have days when I have a hard time getting out of bed, but I am here and I am enjoying everything this city has to offer. There is so much to take in. Before coming here everyone warned me that this city is so dangerous and este y el otro. I'm kind of upset thinking about that now. Actually living here is so different from what anyone told me this city would be like. Navigating this city once you get the hang of it, is so damn easy! Today my friend Fatima and I went to like 10 different places in the city in one day. In the morning we went to Tianguis El Chopo, which is like the punk, goth, ska swap meet of your dreams. Then we went to Biblioteca Vasconcelos, a huge, beautiful library, which is right next door. Nos fuimos al centro y de ahí al Bosque de Chapultepec. Then we walked to Cafebrería El Péndulo in the neighborhood of Polanco. Where we saw the whitest and richest Mexicans ever!

Something that frustrates me so much about México is that the people that I've talked to so far don't really see race as a bigger issue here. Over here the US is seen as having a big race problem, but not México. I think I also have a lot to learn about people's experiences with classism and racism here. It's interesting and unexpected for me coming here that a lot of what is studied in gender studies here is written Western white feminists. I really was not expecting that. I'm being challenged a lot being here. I don't see myself having time to do everything there is to do in this city before I have to leave, but who knows.

Mañana me voy a Xochimilco. Hasta la próxima.